why are you surprised?

like the horizon waits patiently for the sun to return, 
i waited too. 
i looked to the stars for signs,
and they pointed nowhere. 
i asked the trees for stories of you,
but they just whispered quietly to themselves. 
i only know as much as you do, the wind offered. 
quiet words, not meant to be comforting. 
i threw my head into cold river waters, 
hoping the fish would spill your secrets. 
but they swam on by, deftly avoiding my tears. 
i wrote to the moon, asking for advise. 
and he left me unread. 

and one day, a cat came to me. 
sat by me, an arm's length away. 
her back arched when i reached down to stroke her, 
it was a subtle no, as if to say
you can see but you cannot touch. 
i understood. 
we both sat by the water, until the air turned cold. 
she knew i needed silence, 
and that's all she had to offer. 
her tail swung lazily as if cleansing my aura, 
her eyes fixed on my soul. 
she waited. 
while i cried and sobbed and laughed foolishly in between, 
she waited for me to finally sigh and breathe deeply. 
she blinked slowly while i looked up to the skies
and finally smiled. 
she got up and stretched, as i fixed my hair. 
she knew i will be alright. 
she let me go.
and with a swish of her tail, she told me to do the same. 
she turned around for one last look, 
why are you surprised? she seemed to say. 
you already knew that was the only thing to do. 

Detective Clues. 1.

simply unforgettable,
like a song that refuses to leave your lips,
or a wind that knocks on your windows, late at night,​

​you knew there was more to my story.
something hidden, something unsaid. 

did you find the clues i had left? 

in between my thighs, behind my ear,

my clutched fingers betraying my innocence.

did you find the fiery hints of desire,

between the breathless gasps of utter surrender, 
as you explored the depths of me? 

did you see my eyes give away my desperate need,

to feel your hands inside me,
searching for an alibi, when you knew I had none?

were you looking for the lies my hips might tell

when you rummaged through my hungry body?

spent and speechless, after hours,
like an interrogation that never leaves the room, 
my hair carried the scent of your passion, 

as i walked past unsuspecting gatekeepers.  
did you find the signs of the struggle,
of my mind and my heart fighting over you? 
did you finally put the pieces together, when we locked eyes, 
as the orange sky peeked through the curtain,
revealing the remnants of our kisses, 
scattered across the room, and splattered on the walls? 
did you look at me and see me smiling as i got away with it?
i am guilty, i declare, at last. 

i wasn't looking to love,​ ​but you made me want to do it.

the power of alone

hor ki mangna mein rab kolo
ik khair manga tere dum di

miles of road, travelled carefully,
bags tied together, keys and locks to keep things safe.
mountains scaled and rivers crossed.
trees photographed and people smiled at.
clocks moved, ahead and behind,
as they try to keep up with the sun. 
platforms chased, steps that collected beads of sweat,
drinks carelessly drowning in the pit of my stomach
stamped passports, moneyed purses, torn-up baggage tags,
breathless kisses in moonlit cities,
buttered poetry and ignored symptoms. 
i travelled the world, 
without knowing my heart was wandering too.
with no one looking after it.

wild flower

I'm coming home,
I'm oh so low.
I need you baby,
Come on let's go.

like syrupy honey, mixed with laughter,
our eyes meet. 
like chocolate sauce, poured on hips,
and whipped cream,
licked away by thirsty, foolish lips.
the scent of vanilla
behind an unlistening ear.
and the taste of sweet surrender
in between interlaced fingers.
like caramel promises, and cinnamon kisses,
when you breathe deeply on my neck.
and strawberries dipped in cream, 
when you lead me inside you. 
like the rush of rum in the daiquiri, 
when your hands walk around
the orange orchards of my back.
biting down on pillows,
as if they were cloudy marshmallows. 
dark chocolate in your eyes, as you taste me,
wanting your cake, and having me too. 
come over sugar, let's cook up a storm. 
and if it's too sweet to handle,
we'll save the leftovers for a midnight snack. 

bizarre and fierce

a split second.
you and me, 
in a storm, wind rushing by us
the ground shakes,
and the oceans rumble their acceptance.

you and me,
a heady cocktail
of music and words,
guitars and sighs,
with a garnish of wishes on top.
 
when you stopped by the side of the road,
to listen to a tune that reminded you of me,
i wrote poems on every piece of paper i could find,
just so they won't show up in my eyes when i look at you.

you and me, 
as seen through the eyes of imagination,
we are the time that runs
even when the clocks stop working.

when our goodbye comes,
let's make it quick.
we will only have a split second.

an evening walk, more epiphanic than the stars

 but if i let you go, i will never know, 
what my life would be, holding you close to me. 

big words, thrown around casually. 
expectations for instance.
so many syllables,
heavy to carry around.
they don't fit into my purse, i need a backpack.
and when the straps dig into my skin,
i ask myself why i don't travel light.
all my life can fit into two suitcases, 
but your words are baggage. 
anywhere i may roam,
where i lay my head is home.
when you roved around my head, 
were you looking for my heart? 
i've left it behind, it's in a box that i didn't pack. 
and if you thought i take it with me everywhere, 
you thought wrong. 
lying low, lying and lowly,
you were meant to rescue me. 
and instead, here we are,
with nothing, nowhere, all at once. 

i want expectations

the depths of my sorrow, 
at the bottom of glasses
and in between the winds of smoke.
at the end of every message
at the sigh after every call.
what is a life without hassles?
do you have no mountain to climb,
or are your mountains not as tall as mine? 
yours is the kingdom, yours is the glory,
and mine is the worship. 
blind, of the believer kind.
would you ever ask the sun to dim its shine? 
you'd rather get under cover, shield your eyes,
give your parched soul a drink of water,
take a deep breath and give in.
the oasis of my love is what you are looking for,
but you won't know it as you wander the desert
until the sands welcome you home.  
i will still be here, with my soul in my hands.
a present, but not an offering.
a confession, but not a crime. 

no kisses above 3 minutes

it's never about the right place. 
or the right time. 
it's about the right person.
not perfect. yet the right to your left. 
the okay to your tantrums. 
the occasion for your shoe game. 
the dress for your makeup. 
the drink to your cocktail. 
it's never the right time
to realise that you were right all along. 
it's a cruel joke. 
the smile to your laughter. 
the hand that warms your heart, 
and fires up your soul. 
what happens next, you might wonder. 
nobody knows. 

just tell me the truth

an old childhood lesson
brought up from the depth of memory. 
"you can't handle the truth"
when you held me close and smiled at me, 
you weren't ready. 
and now,
the truth of my love lies around, 
forgotten but not discarded. 
like an old relic at the bottom of the cupboard
that you can't bring yourself to throw away. 
the truth of my desperate need, to shine for you, 
casually thrown into the drawer of odds and ends. 
my whole body smiles when i'm near you, 
like that one plastic bag that holds all the others. 
like the matchstick that never gets struck, 
used only for tricks to impress the crowd. 
like slipping on the stairs, 
and the sigh of relief of not falling. 
the truth of my love shocks you into forgetting. 
like the flight crash that never happened. 
where do you store your void? 
and what are you going to do with me? 

car ride confessions

a deliberate start.
like the beginning of an age-old story. 
where does this road lead? 
oh, just around the corner. 
where everything is familiar again,
and there are no wrong turns. 
sitting close to you, hands politely in my lap,
i wish for every light to be red. 
the clock on the dashboard
dutifully reminding us
of all the time we never had. 
weaving in between traffic, 
our stories follow along faithfully. 
words to fuel long-forgotten feelings. 
and seatbelts to hold you back. 
unplanned road trips
that start out as exciting declarations
and end in silence. 
the journey is the charm, they say. 
as if the destination didn't matter. 
i would go to the end of the world with you, i say. 
but this is the end of the road, you remind me. 
your new car truthfully counts the miles. 
another reminder
of how much in love we will never be. 

like poetry walking around

like starting a sentence with a preposition, 
he is a raging poem. just walking around. 
the rhymes, sometimes perfect, down to a T.
and sometimes, laid out like bodies in a car crash. 

he is that perfectly innocent question,
that starts with who, what or how. 
and suddenly becomes why and why not? 
that balanced sentence with verbs and praises,
that sometimes fades off into dots of silence. 
it's impossible not to take a pause,
a sharp breath in, when he looks at you. 
like adding that decisive full stop,
just so you can begin all over again. 

and with every breath comes words
that lift you up. or put you down if you choose. 
even his sneeze is like a subtle hint of sarcasm. 
his smile commands countless lines of poetry. 
if he looks away, it's like turning a page. 
a deliberate breaking of your focus, like your heart skipping a beat. 

when he holds your hand, 
it is like a song. 
and when his eyes flash in anger, 
it is a rock ballad, crashing into you, hooked forever. 
his dreams are like a chorus. 
the same words repeating truthfully after every four beats. 
the most memorable part of a verse, they say. 

words are all i have, he offers.
if only he knew.
he is a rollercoaster of a poem,
just walking around. 

searching for you

 i looked for you everywhere. 

in the folds of the blanket you left behind.,
i was told that is where love resides. 
i looked for you in the leaves,
i was told that is where secrets are held. 
i looked to the skies, and the stars just shrugged.
we can only hear you, they said, we cannot tell.
i asked them to show me a sign,
they smiled and pointed me to the moon. 
but the moon said i will have to wait my turn. 

i set out across deserts and oceans, 
looking for breadcrumbs of your love for me. 
the deserts had no time for my sorrow
and the oceans told me to choose
between the shores and the horizon. 

you have nothing to offer, said the universe. 
what price will you pay for love?
i held only grief in my arms, offered it up as sacrifice. 
the universe dismissed my wares. 
only love can buy love, she said, 
anything else is just not enough. 

it's time.

it was just like a movie, 

it was just like a song, 

my god, this reminds me

of when we were young.

the horizon is lighting up at last,

it's not light yet, but it seems like the sun

is determined. 

it's autumn time, the leaves are tired of holding on. 

they know too, when it's time to let go.

the wind is undecided, he wants to stay,

and yet he's tearing apart the world, trying to get away.

i imitate the leaves, green with envy

as he walks along, feet firmly on the ground,

knowing that's where the leaves fall.

enfin. 

i dreamt we took a walk, you and i,

it was very early morning, not light yet,

we had nothing but the cold to keep us company.

my hand in yours, holding on for dear life.

never have two lovers,

ever dreaded a sunrise so. 

i'm scared that i'm getting old, 

it makes me reckless. 

invisible

remember the first time i said i love you? 

and remember how you didn't say it back? 

as the world burns and the george flyods of the world rest in peace, 

i can't help but wonder if his final punishment was actually deliverance. 

the sadness of the world destroys me. 

sometimes,

i think about running away, but when i look up,

the end is never in sight. 

the revolution flames on, but when the sun rises again, 

i find myself looking fear in the eye. 

i long for happiness like rapture. 

i long for love,

for caresses and comfort,

and the simple truth of holding someone's hand

and have them hold mine back. 

i long for an assuring word,

that everything is actually going to be okay. 

i long for someone to take the baton from me,

i am tired, and i cannot run anymore. 

i wish for you to see me, as i am, in glory or shame,

i wish to be overwhelmed by your love,

rather than picking up pieces of it in the air 

left behind after you turn away. 

i long for you to know

the path to your glory is pebbled with pieces of me. 

despair overwhelms my words tonight,

for it is love that makes me do what i do. 

and for as long as i can remember, 

i was told that everything is fair

in love. and war. 

cosmic loneliness

there was once a long time ago,
when we used to kiss in the rain, and lose count of the stars.
when the bed felt warmer in the mornings
and the sun wasn't full of revenge.
when we weren't afraid to declare a lifetime of love,
even if it meant not in this one.
when we were closer to god than to our lies
and our mothers would call us for no reason at all.
there was once a long time ago
when we loved each other
and didn't have to lie about it.
when we were free to be scandalous
because we knew no other way.
there was a time when the ships that sailed the oceans
truly believed they were about to discover new land.
without knowing that their dreams
were too heavy a burden for the wind to carry.
there was even a day when we realised
that being attached and attacked are only letters apart.
there was a time when we waited for the bruises of our love-making
to turn bright purple an hour later.
they started to hurt lesser the next day, but still hurt so wonderfully,
and still stayed in your memory three days after,
but you had to press down on it real hard to remember.
there was a time when the rain wouldn't bother you,
but now makes me wonder why you don't pull me outside anymore.

time has travelled this journey with you and me,
it raised its hands when we laughed too much;
and ran at lightning speed as we hurled abuses at each other.
it sounded the alarm several times, and sometimes,
brought in the daylight gently because we wanted to kiss for a little longer.

there was once, a long time ago,
i loved you.