arrivals and departures

and the true measure of loneliness
is when you realise you have no one
to drive you back
after your hands are painted with mehendi.

and you sit there, on the boy's footpath stool
halfway through the design,
your eyes full of tears, spilling over into your hands,
threatening to erase the fine lines of green,
when the boy suddenly asks
whose name he should hide in the drawing.

tears do not seem to alarm the boy
he assumes there is a wedding,
mistaking my fear for joy.

and when he is done, I sit with him
and watch the traffic go by
waiting for the henna to dry.

slowly
my loneliness forming burnt orange lines on my hands,
a sign that this, too, shall fade away with time.

"jo tu mera hamdard hai, 
suhana har dard hai."

the winds are whispering to the trees,
it is time the saviour come.
the waters of the oceans gush forwards
anticipating the sweet kiss of the horizon.

as the sun sets,
it sends out a reminder.

there has never been a dark day on earth.

and so shall it be
with matters of the heart. 

powerful yoga to heal an aching back,
gym memberships for the waist,
movies watched back-to-back
meals cooked with precision,
dishes done till they shine,
and wood polished like new.
mails to old friends long forgotten,
never answered,
quizzes on the internet, photo albums of strangers
two hundred pages of blog reading,
sitting at work till the lights go off.
cigarettes smoked till fingers burn,
and books read and read again.

there is a cure for most things in life.
and when you find the remedy
for your broken heart,
be sure to let me know too. 

let us sleep now, for tomorrow...

there is nowhere to turn, no one to ask for directions. I'm as lost as a whisper in the mountains, hidden by the shivering misty air. Unable to reach out to you, no hope of calling back to confirm, no wish to stop my tears. I'm at the end of the road, a long road of sadness, guilt, humiliation and self-pity. The journey has stripped me of my powers, taken all that I had, and has left me with nothing to offer. Nothing to offer in return for love. In the hope that you will read this one day, and in an attempt to awake from my nightmares, I'm trying to make you understand how your words have pierced the icy barriers of my soul. When one declares love to another, we almost never expect doubt in return. I do not know how to respond. I imagined your laughter to be true; your hugs and your kisses and your hands reaching out to me in the dark of the night, I thought they were all true. I'm sorry to hear they were all tinged with doubt, despair, and maybe even hate.  I'm sorry to know that the moments of complete togetherness we shared shall never be enough to erase the doubt in your heart. I'm sorry to tell you that there will never be another soul who has loved you without knowing it. I'm sorry to know that my love cannot erase your hate. 

I don't hate you. No. I don't.  I've lost you. 

And now the silence in my soul, which scares me to my bones, will be my punishment. 

step back

anecdotes laden with meaning,

rules previously iron-clad

now broken

whenever the chance presents itself.

jokes made at the expense of a fool

who knows not how to satisfy

nor knows what is enough.

thoughts before unsaid and precious

now laid out in the open 

making mockery of the heart

and trusting the mind not to retaliate. 

private lies shared only between two

now an open discussion

around tables of beer and food.

i admire a man

whose hatred is a strong as my love.

for he knows

that

nothing will stop a fire from burning

until all that can be burnt is fine grey dust

no shape, no memory, no expectation.

the day when the fire unleashed in my soul

shall burn your heart to a shadow

is the day you will know

that love replaces none, 

and none shall replace love. 

the reason why no one will marry me

i'm too good to tell the truth
and bad enough to be punished
too crazy to believe
too sad to save.
a much better cook than necessary
with too many housekeeping skills.
my hips are too round to hide
and my breasts too big to ignore.
my poems are too disturbing and my paintings too abstract.

I am too much in love with you
for you to return it
and not enough in love with you
to let you go.

no deal

i killed a man last night.

i plunged the camping knife i keep in my bag

straight into his neck

and left him bleeding on the pavement

outside my yoga class. 

all because he dared to ask me

why i would want to be with someone who doesn't love me. 

he probably died by the time i climbed in the car

and drove home.

i almost crashed the car

because i couldn't see through my tears. 

but you magically made everything alright

when i told you that i killed a man

and you asked me how much more longer 

you have to wait for dinner. 

what a dream come true it is

to be loved by a man

who believes that love and time 

are the same thing. 

proposal

i gave him a watch,
when he said
he doesn't have the time.

i didn't know
that he meant
he doesn't have time
for me.

now
where could i buy
that kind of watch?

the sound of a thousand silences

"my biggest fear is that we discover that you actually wanted all this."

i am here, my love,

my eyes hazy, my hand warm in yours,

my mind only a million miles away,

wondering where that other road led to. 

i do not regret

walking away from an offer of love

to pursue a lifetime of regret. 

it is the order of life

that the desert dream of rain, 

and never know what drowning is.

it is the order of life

that the moon retire to make way for the sun;

a sun which never turns black

even when you look away. 

it is probably the order of life

that you haunt my dreams forever,

so i may never learn 

how not to love you. 

what is in a name?

i cannot dispel the darkness,

it is beyond my reach.

i cannot take you away from here,

you are beyond my love.

i can only bring you a cloud,

but it will have a silver lining.

i can maybe bring you thunder,

that will wash your sins away.

i can summon the sun

to burn through the sadness.

or i will have the oceans rise up

to welcome your despair. 

i cannot dispel the darkness,

it is beyond my reach.

i cannot take you away from here,

you are beyond my love. 

Truth

who is god and what is his name?
does he live in your heart,
does he help you get past the difficult days?

my god is love
uncontrollable, fierce,
never forgives, never forgets, never fulfills.

and when I lie and cheat and malign
and hurt and betray and kill,
he stands by me, my god
and promises forgiveness
that never comes.

we love each other, me and my god
and so we shall go on.
me seeking revenge among regretful beings,
and him hawking repentance
to a penniless, old, invisible soul.

some day, me and my god shall leave this world,
there will be peace at last,
without love and without need for forgiveness. 

small and big, night and day

dark eyes glowing bright in the night's haze,
scared and defiant
of the rules of the world.
dark eyes that look straight into yours
and promise never to love again.

the truth is, my love,
you can escape the man in the mirror;
but can you really run
from the man you cannot be?

and in the morning
when the sun is where it should be
and the moon has been banished
to the forest of the stars,
you shall wake up a new man
and forget
the promises made in the dark of the night
which vanish like wisps of smoke at dawn.

and i shall wake up
and laugh.

after all,
has anyone ever heard of the moon
making promises
to the sun?

counting the days

"somewhere 

between right and wrong,

there is a garden.

i will meet you there."

between the right way to look at you

and the wrong things to say,

between the right way to introduce you

and the wrong way to remember you,

between the right time to laugh

and the wrong reason to cry,

between the right kind of kiss

and the wrong kind of touch, 

i will never choose. 

between me and us,

i will never know 

what you choose.  

ask the desert about miracles

golden hills,
gleaming with the tears
of a thousand forgotten souls.

all bodies are swallowed by the sea,
all love is consumed by the fire,
and all wanderers end up in the desert sands.

i watch the horizon,
disbelieving when the sun and the moon
appear next to each other,
to wish me good night,
promising to be here when i wake up.

an eye for an eye

the darkness keeps me company,
the cold hugs me at night,
the terror is my shadow
and unending sorrow, my companion.

uncomprehending when i try to shake them off,
they are hurt by my rejection.
my attempt to abandon them
is met with scared disbelieving eyes.

the night hopes the sun will never rise,
the moon, prays for a world of darkness.

the sun, the master of the universe,
cares for no man, no woman, no lover, no friend.

he rises, bestows his warmth on the world,
like a gift that one cannot refuse.
his smile can almost stop the world from turning,
his eyes shine, lit by the innocence of his soul,
his arms around you, can dispel even the blackest dark.

but he always leaves at sunset,
turns in without a second thought,
behind the curtain of the horizon,
deep into the sea, lulled to sleep by the waves
fingers running through his hair
to conjure up the best of dreams.