yes, this is me.
no, this is not the real me.
i am here. i look at the ground when i walk. i do not look people in the eye. i used to. i buy a coat in winter. and a swimsuit in summer. more importantly, i talk about winter and summer. i discuss the weather. i talk about rain. as if i really care about why summer isn't here yet. yes, i do really care.
i don't care. i don't care that everybody stares. i walk with my nose in the air. because i have a nice, small nose apparently. i don't look at the floor when i walk because they don't know who i am. and they never will.
they will all know who i am. i speak their tongue. they don't speak their mind. he does not speak his mind. he speaks his heart. his mind takes care of his troubles; its his heart that takes care of me.
i don't take care of myself. i am hurting. i cannot walk like i used to before. i never walked before.
i wear a coat in winter. a trench for the rain. a hat for the summer. yes, summer is here.
summer will be here soon. the sun takes his time, but he comes. and he doesn't stay long. he disappears when his work is done. he leaves you, alone, in your bed, as you pull up the covers around you, curl up your toes and try to fight away the cold. but the cold never goes away. he stays in the corner. just like the receipt of the dinner that he crumpled and threw into the corner. because he likes his pockets empty.
his pockets are empty. he keeps everything in his mind. he pulls them out, like magic, when he wants. not when he needs. he doesn't need anything.
he does not need things. he looks surprised when you give him something. he wants nothing at all. come. stay. leave. if you like. don't come. don't stay. don't leave. if you don't want. he is a loner. a lonely man.
he can never be lonely. everybody loves him. every one waits for him to come. they wait for him to come to work. he waits for him to go drink beers. i wait for him to come home. like May waits for summer. like the summer waits for the sun. like december waits for christmas. like i wait for him. patiently. endlessly.
i do not wait for anyone. i am the time and the tide. i am the shore. i wait for the waves. i rejoice when they wash over me. i let them go. i forget. the water washes over me. the summer rain. the waves of the ocean. the soap in the shower. water flowing endlessly into the ocean. new waters, old waters, dirty waters- all flowing into the ocean. like a friend who walks into your home without knocking. i am the friend.
i am a stranger. people look at me when i walk. they stare at my back when i climb the stairs. they stare when i speak my tongue. they do not know that i am speaking my mind. because i cannot but tell the truth.
i lie. i am a liar.i have never told the truth. i lie. in the darkness. i lie awake in the darkness. i hear him breathing. he is not a stranger. the darkness knows him. but it is suspicious of me. it does not let me sleep. i lie awake. i wake up and lie.
i wake up and sing. i sing about the past. the words of the past escape into the present. they are floating around. lyrics in the shower. words lying around in the metro. on the kitchen table. in the wind. strange words in a foreign land. strangers in a foreign land. i am a stranger.
i am home.