no questions

"naina, ashq na ho,
aasoon karte hain humein kamzor, 
naina, ashq na ho."

surrounded by forests, no light streaming through
the sun fights to pierce the darkness,
breathing hard and slow, trying to understand
why the wind has suddenly changed direction,
there is a strange silence in the air,
you are here.

you and me, a house on fire.
our love has burnt us down to ashes,
and now, we scatter
into the wind.

nothing to say, after three days

i miss you.
not like a desert would miss the rain,
for if a desert had known rain,
it wouldn't be a desert.
i miss you.
not like the a dog would miss his master,
for if loyalty had no bounds,
we would never know loneliness.
i miss you.
not like the sock that has lost its mate,
for if we meant to be a pair forever,
we would never wander.

i miss you
like a watch that has stopped ticking
as if it simply grew tired of telling the time.
like a car that has not been driven for a while,
never to know the pleasure of the road again.
i miss you like a new paintbrush
that has never smelled red or blue or green.
i miss you like a box of mangoes
that arrives spilled and spoiled and never tasted.
like a chair that has never been sat in
and a book that has been read halfway,
forgotten, the story never completed.
i miss you,
like you would never miss me.

arrivals and departures

and the true measure of loneliness
is when you realise you have no one
to drive you back
after your hands are painted with mehendi.

and you sit there, on the boy's footpath stool
halfway through the design,
your eyes full of tears, spilling over into your hands,
threatening to erase the fine lines of green,
when the boy suddenly asks
whose name he should hide in the drawing.

tears do not seem to alarm the boy
he assumes there is a wedding,
mistaking my fear for joy.

and when he is done, I sit with him
and watch the traffic go by
waiting for the henna to dry.

slowly
my loneliness forming burnt orange lines on my hands,
a sign that this, too, shall fade away with time.

"jo tu mera hamdard hai, 
suhana har dard hai."

the winds are whispering to the trees,
it is time the saviour come.
the waters of the oceans gush forwards
anticipating the sweet kiss of the horizon.

as the sun sets,
it sends out a reminder.

there has never been a dark day on earth.

and so shall it be
with matters of the heart. 

powerful yoga to heal an aching back,
gym memberships for the waist,
movies watched back-to-back
meals cooked with precision,
dishes done till they shine,
and wood polished like new.
mails to old friends long forgotten,
never answered,
quizzes on the internet, photo albums of strangers
two hundred pages of blog reading,
sitting at work till the lights go off.
cigarettes smoked till fingers burn,
and books read and read again.

there is a cure for most things in life.
and when you find the remedy
for your broken heart,
be sure to let me know too. 

let us sleep now, for tomorrow...

there is nowhere to turn, no one to ask for directions. I'm as lost as a whisper in the mountains, hidden by the shivering misty air. Unable to reach out to you, no hope of calling back to confirm, no wish to stop my tears. I'm at the end of the road, a long road of sadness, guilt, humiliation and self-pity. The journey has stripped me of my powers, taken all that I had, and has left me with nothing to offer. Nothing to offer in return for love. In the hope that you will read this one day, and in an attempt to awake from my nightmares, I'm trying to make you understand how your words have pierced the icy barriers of my soul. When one declares love to another, we almost never expect doubt in return. I do not know how to respond. I imagined your laughter to be true; your hugs and your kisses and your hands reaching out to me in the dark of the night, I thought they were all true. I'm sorry to hear they were all tinged with doubt, despair, and maybe even hate.  I'm sorry to know that the moments of complete togetherness we shared shall never be enough to erase the doubt in your heart. I'm sorry to tell you that there will never be another soul who has loved you without knowing it. I'm sorry to know that my love cannot erase your hate. 

I don't hate you. No. I don't.  I've lost you. 

And now the silence in my soul, which scares me to my bones, will be my punishment. 

step back

anecdotes laden with meaning,

rules previously iron-clad

now broken

whenever the chance presents itself.

jokes made at the expense of a fool

who knows not how to satisfy

nor knows what is enough.

thoughts before unsaid and precious

now laid out in the open 

making mockery of the heart

and trusting the mind not to retaliate. 

private lies shared only between two

now an open discussion

around tables of beer and food.

i admire a man

whose hatred is a strong as my love.

for he knows

that

nothing will stop a fire from burning

until all that can be burnt is fine grey dust

no shape, no memory, no expectation.

the day when the fire unleashed in my soul

shall burn your heart to a shadow

is the day you will know

that love replaces none, 

and none shall replace love.