circle of life

"did i say that i need you?
did i say that i want you?
oh, if i did, then i'm a fool, you see,
no one knows this more than me."

it's been a long while since i saw you. oh no, do not worry, i'm not keeping count of the days and the hours and the minutes. i'm not psychotic.

i was merely reminded of you this morning, when i saw the second toothbrush in the cup. and when i sprayed my perfume on my neck, or when i grabbed my umbrella just before rushing out the door. of course, that song which played on the radio in the car brought me thoughts of you as well, but that's expected i guess. and when i arrived at work, it started to rain, which could've just been a coincidence. i smoked a cigarette after lunch and i unconsciously passed it to you, but there was no one there. that hardly means i'm obsessive, does it?

the day went by like the clouds, slow and beautiful. and when the darkness poured in, i was offered a drink. now, i agree i could have had any drink on the menu, but then, the waiter was looking down at me impatiently and everyone else had made up their minds, and i blurted out the name of your favourite drink, as if seeking out the most intuitive comfort in a distressing situation. but that was intuition's fault, not mine. i gathered my wits in time for the second drink. but then, you know how they say you shouldn't mix your drinks...? And so, unfortunately, i ended up being quite drunk on you.

i returned home, surprisingly, at 3am. as i washed the day's effort off my face, i couldn't help but smile when i saw the toothbrush standing there, silently laughing at me. 

my favourite song

you can be the rain
and the thunder
and the storm
and the lightning,

but i am the darkness.
are you scared now?

you may be the sun
and the stars and the moon

but i am nirvana.
are you scared now?

you may be the tears
and the despair and the anger

but i am the hope.
are you scared now?

you may be the pain
and the longing and the belonging

but i am love.
are you scared now?

who do i think i am?

"till tomorrow, 
or till the end of time"

one night, the rain and i were at battle. he bore down at me, tired of my loneliness. i cried back, blaming him for making me believe in beauty. he thundered down, louder, drowning out my irrationality, unable to believe my stupidity.

"i'm here now, aren't i?", he shouted. 

suddenly, he left. i was furious, yelled at him to return, but i was answered only with silence. i couldn't stop my tears from falling, as if compensating for his absence. 

"where is he?!", i asked the trees and the stars and the skies. they look down at me sadly, commanded to silence by the rain god himself. 

i waited. long days and longer nights.
it was a new battle now; i wait and he watched me in silence. 

one night, as dark as the night we parted, he returned. i had no words to welcome him, and he asked no questions. he is the god of rain, after all; and who did i think i was?

"why?", i asked him, merely mortal.

he said nothing, knowing me to be the weak one. 

"why did you leave me?" 

"why did you believe i was here to stay?", he replied as he left.