is
like a blind man
feeling the words
do not touch.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Saturday, July 16, 2016
bad ideas
there is a girl who is following me around everywhere. she looks a lot like me, but she isn't me. she wasn't always there, but it's been a while since i've noticed her. she seems to be like an alternate version of me, veering either towards an evil twin or a better version of me.
i have been slowly trying to shake her off, but the more i notice her, the more invisible she becomes. she isn't me, but seems to enjoy doing things that i like to do, and saying things that i would say. i've noticed she also sometimes says things that i don't say. like, the other day, she called someone a motherfucker. that's not a very nice thing to say, is it? she also blatantly told someone that she wants to kiss him. now who says something like that?
somedays, she starts crying uncontrollably. sobbing through entire playlists and i cannot understand why. one night, i even saw her with a razor blade in her hand, just staring at it like a psychopath. the very next day, i remember observing her with a child, laughing and playing and baby-talking to the kid, as if there is just no connection between one day and the next.
she seems to like drinking and smoking and driving around late at night. she seems to think it's ok to be fat and uncaring because apparently, there isn't a single reason to be otherwise. she seems to live in a fantasy world, forging needle-thin, superficial relationships with everyone around her, that wouldn't withstand even a strong breeze, forget storms. she seems to believe it's okay to lie. and thinks it is okay to not answer messages like "where are you?", and "have you reached home". i'm beginning to think she mocks me and imitates me sometimes.
she can't seem to make a decision, and never really follows through with the ones she makes. she cannot seem to choose between now and then and later, and lives in a void of uncountable days of heartbreak. yes, i know what heartbreak looks like on a person.
somedays, she cannot even recall what she did the day before. one day, i saw her wearing my jewellery. i'm sure it was mine because i wouldn't dare wear the ring he gave me just before he broke my heart.
i cannot talk to her, so i never got a chance to ask. she seems to also have taken certain liberties with the way she works and talks and walks, as if she owns the world and anyone who thinks otherwise can basically go take a fuck.
late evenings, i've seen her vulnerable and sad. it looks like she has no one to have a cup of tea with. of course, i cannot offer to spend time with her because she scares me. she seems so much like me but everything about her is completely opposed to who i am. she looks and talks and eats and laughs like me; she even dances like me. but...she can't really be me....right?
i have been slowly trying to shake her off, but the more i notice her, the more invisible she becomes. she isn't me, but seems to enjoy doing things that i like to do, and saying things that i would say. i've noticed she also sometimes says things that i don't say. like, the other day, she called someone a motherfucker. that's not a very nice thing to say, is it? she also blatantly told someone that she wants to kiss him. now who says something like that?
somedays, she starts crying uncontrollably. sobbing through entire playlists and i cannot understand why. one night, i even saw her with a razor blade in her hand, just staring at it like a psychopath. the very next day, i remember observing her with a child, laughing and playing and baby-talking to the kid, as if there is just no connection between one day and the next.
she seems to like drinking and smoking and driving around late at night. she seems to think it's ok to be fat and uncaring because apparently, there isn't a single reason to be otherwise. she seems to live in a fantasy world, forging needle-thin, superficial relationships with everyone around her, that wouldn't withstand even a strong breeze, forget storms. she seems to believe it's okay to lie. and thinks it is okay to not answer messages like "where are you?", and "have you reached home". i'm beginning to think she mocks me and imitates me sometimes.
she can't seem to make a decision, and never really follows through with the ones she makes. she cannot seem to choose between now and then and later, and lives in a void of uncountable days of heartbreak. yes, i know what heartbreak looks like on a person.
somedays, she cannot even recall what she did the day before. one day, i saw her wearing my jewellery. i'm sure it was mine because i wouldn't dare wear the ring he gave me just before he broke my heart.
i cannot talk to her, so i never got a chance to ask. she seems to also have taken certain liberties with the way she works and talks and walks, as if she owns the world and anyone who thinks otherwise can basically go take a fuck.
late evenings, i've seen her vulnerable and sad. it looks like she has no one to have a cup of tea with. of course, i cannot offer to spend time with her because she scares me. she seems so much like me but everything about her is completely opposed to who i am. she looks and talks and eats and laughs like me; she even dances like me. but...she can't really be me....right?
Thursday, July 14, 2016
renewal of nows
i still remember the night when i had the revelation. i was suddenly aware that it hurt to be apart from you. i had started to look forward to our meetings more than ever, i had started dressing for you, making sure i kept a marie-kondo'ed house, washed my hair more often, and had started reading all sorts of things to make sure we had something to laugh about. and, oh your laughter! i realised how it warmed me up inside to see you laugh. i had started thinking about you all the time, and was making up fantasies about our life together. i used to smile at the marks you left on my body, priding myself on the passionate moments we spent together, that had me begging for more. i remember getting your name inked into my soul, so i could always carry you around. i had learnt the recipes to your favourite dishes so that i may make them for you some day. i had created a playlist of all your favourite songs, and i even learnt the words to some of them. i had started to think fondly of rainy days and sunset and drinks on the beach. i had even started writing poems about you...
i was not in love. i was in denial.
anyway, that was then. and this is now.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
clarity
one dark blue night, all of a sudden, he asked her, "why do you love me?"
he couldn't think of any reason why she would love someone like him. she looked up at him, baffled. she couldn't think of any way to explain why he made her heart tingle. she mulled over it, trying to match words to feeling. but every phrase caught in her throat because it seemed so petty and just-not-enough. "i don't know...i can't really explain it", she replied after a much too long pause. both of them went to sleep a little disappointed, one for wanting too much and the other for not wanting enough.
the next day, he woke up to find her gone. he looked for her everywhere, but she was determined not to be found. sad and ashamed, she had left everything behind to go look for a way to explain her infinite love for him. sad and ashamed, he believed she had left because he was not enough. but because love stories never end badly, he took it as a sign to turn his life around, and be the best person she could ever love, should she ever return.
many moons later, he came home to find her back at the desk in front of the window. as she smiled at him, he asked her again, "do you now know why you love me?" this time, she knew better and stayed silent. she stood up and kissed him deeply, as if it were the first time. there were strangers once more, with their whole lives ahead of them, waiting to be discovered.
shakespeare once wrote about love not being true love if it alters when met with change. he couldn't have been more wrong. a man who doesn't change for a woman can never know how she transforms her soul to fit into his palm. and a woman who isn't changed after meeting a man will never understand the meaning of love.
he couldn't think of any reason why she would love someone like him. she looked up at him, baffled. she couldn't think of any way to explain why he made her heart tingle. she mulled over it, trying to match words to feeling. but every phrase caught in her throat because it seemed so petty and just-not-enough. "i don't know...i can't really explain it", she replied after a much too long pause. both of them went to sleep a little disappointed, one for wanting too much and the other for not wanting enough.
the next day, he woke up to find her gone. he looked for her everywhere, but she was determined not to be found. sad and ashamed, she had left everything behind to go look for a way to explain her infinite love for him. sad and ashamed, he believed she had left because he was not enough. but because love stories never end badly, he took it as a sign to turn his life around, and be the best person she could ever love, should she ever return.
many moons later, he came home to find her back at the desk in front of the window. as she smiled at him, he asked her again, "do you now know why you love me?" this time, she knew better and stayed silent. she stood up and kissed him deeply, as if it were the first time. there were strangers once more, with their whole lives ahead of them, waiting to be discovered.
shakespeare once wrote about love not being true love if it alters when met with change. he couldn't have been more wrong. a man who doesn't change for a woman can never know how she transforms her soul to fit into his palm. and a woman who isn't changed after meeting a man will never understand the meaning of love.
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