i still remember the night when i had the revelation. i was suddenly aware that it hurt to be apart from you. i had started to look forward to our meetings more than ever, i had started dressing for you, making sure i kept a marie-kondo'ed house, washed my hair more often, and had started reading all sorts of things to make sure we had something to laugh about. and, oh your laughter! i realised how it warmed me up inside to see you laugh. i had started thinking about you all the time, and was making up fantasies about our life together. i used to smile at the marks you left on my body, priding myself on the passionate moments we spent together, that had me begging for more. i remember getting your name inked into my soul, so i could always carry you around. i had learnt the recipes to your favourite dishes so that i may make them for you some day. i had created a playlist of all your favourite songs, and i even learnt the words to some of them. i had started to think fondly of rainy days and sunset and drinks on the beach. i had even started writing poems about you...
i was not in love. i was in denial.
anyway, that was then. and this is now.