Bambi

I'm overwhelmed by memories of you tonight. They say that thoughts of you comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning. Truth is I'm not even putting up a fight. I'm letting myself drown in thoughts of you and me and us. And all because I bought cushion covers today. I was trying to decide on the colours when a soul-crushing memory presented itself to me. As if it were also on offer. I'm thinking of our house and what would have been our home. Had I not been consumed with doubt and despair. I knew that something was wrong with me when I was upset that you wouldn't walk slower even though I couldn't keep up wearing heels. I wish I was then the person I am now. I would have forgiven you forgetting me outside the cinema hall. I would not have cared that you walked right past me without even looking at me. It wouldn't matter that I went to bed alone every night because the Lich King demands your attention. I wish I knew then what I know now. That all the million times you kissed my forehead and ran your fingers through my hair mattered more than you punching through the new table, or telling me that you will never let me set foot in that house again. I wish I had known how to explain what you meant to me without equating it to cooking and cleaning and endless trips to the supermarket. 

I'm making a lot of wishes tonight, hoping that someone will listen. It doesn't really matter if they come true. I'm not asking for you back, I just want to talk to you once more. Because tonight I really need a friend. And you were a good friend to me. I'm lost and I know you won't show me the way but you would have listened to me. Tonight, I just want to see you once more, and have you kiss my forehead without realising it and absently run your fingers in my hair, and say "I know" when I say I love you. Through all these years and with everything I wish for, the only thing that hasn't changed is that I loved you then. As I love you now. And that will never change, no matter how much you wish for it. 

the most honest poem I ever wrote

12:35

past midnight, my knees were weak

from your fervent, forbidden kiss. 

I drove fast, through childhood lanes.

the same lanes I took,

to go to 7am French classes, 

the result of which,

is a heart that refuses to break.

I drove furiously, 

spurned on by an evening of a meeting of souls, 

with chosen music and yearning looks,

I know,

you have an early morning,

and I have an endless night.

I swear I almost crashed the car, 

yes, on purpose,

hoping that it would wake me up 

from this horrible, unfair, impossible dream. 

a dream where I laugh with you,

where I kiss you without wondering when the next kiss is going to come. 

I can still taste you, 

through the tears that refused to flow,

even though i really tried,

as if the tears would comfort me.

I drove at 60 kilometres an hour, 

trying to run away from you, 

afraid that you would actually grant me 

that one minute more. 

my hand is still warm. 

my soul is still smiling. 

my lips are still happy. 

I swear, when you kiss me, 

you leave me wanting,

for 

nothing. 

Are we going to pretend to be friends now?

i'm tired of being clobbered.
i'm building my wall with diamonds this time, 

so it may never break again.

you saw me smile when you said goodbye. 

when i closed that door, 

i washed off my make-up 

and my tears as well. 

When the sun rises tomorrow, 

You will have no reason to love me,
because I will not be the same.

i know

i will get over the pain of not having you.
but i will never get over you. 

Romance for the atheists

You've watched me burn, now see me rise

All of this anger and hate, frustration in disguise.

This is not who we really are,

But I'm over you before you even get in your car. 

Stare into the sunset, sweetie, when you ride, 

I won't be by your side. 

You'll have your music and your wine, 

And underwear on the backseat that ain't mine. 

It's not surprising to see how this went down, 

We were too good to last,
it's true what they say about wearing an invisible crown; 

Keep your head high so it doesn't fall 

Baby, how did you manage to make me feel so small?

I was never a princess, I was the queen.

And now I feel like an empty chessboard, no moves left,
I've peeked through the smokescreen. 

I can't promise we'll be friends, 

I don't mean it and you don't make amends 

I will tell you that it was a beautiful thing, 

It was like 365 days of pure Spring. 

And now all we have left is broken doors
and a leftover wedding ring. 

Erase, go back in time, restart 

What a sad end to what could've been a work of art. 

Anyway, it's time for you to leave,

Turn around, forgive, forget and you better believe 

there will come a time when we will miss each other.

But you can leave now, because I need to call my mother. 

Bite that tattoo on your shoulder

Nothing,

and I mean absolutely nothing 

can reduce you 

to

heart-wrenching,

soul-crushing,

unable-to-drive,

breathless, desperate 

tears,

as knowing, 

that the one you love 

doesn't love you back. 

Wishing that

the tears will, 

somehow,

make it happen, 

you give it your best shot. 

Well. 

Tomorrow 

is another day. 

and 

it might be a beautiful one. 

hit the road, jack...and john, david, joseph and steve.

he's a handsome fellow, you should see him.
he has beautiful eyes and a happy face.
he sometimes comes when called,
though he is known to unreasonably sulk.
he waits anxiously for me to come home,
and sometimes, he isn't even there when i return.
he remains stubbornly by my side.
but then again, he accepts gifts from the neighbour nearby.
he comforts me when i'm sad, and holds my hand when i cry
and sometimes, he just disappears, without a sound.
i know i don't have to go looking for him,
because you cannot command his presence.

you can only wish for it.
and then dream that your wish comes true.
and before that, you must hope that you dream
that your wish comes true.

no, he's not the dog that you think he is.

though he is known to be faithful
to every single one of his goddesses.

2.Oh..

our messages are all encrypted.
code words, and password protected.
a shy smile sent into the internet,
innocent looking, but with other meaning.
it's all hidden, deleted but not forgotten
the kind of memory that even you start to doubt.
there is no trace of us anywhere,
no clues to track, and no body to find.
there is nothing but a lingering feeling
of something amazing,
i don't know what to call it,
maybe you could give it meaning?
burning desire, compressed into
an email attachment.
i bet you didn't know
that love could be so small.
the ache of longing and belonging
turned into a ridiculously inadequate
heart-shaped ping.

when they come looking for us,
we will be gone, and there will be nothing to find.

but.
hidden and deleted,
buried and invisible,
fake hugs and forced pretence.
and still,
the only thing that makes perfect sense.

write and wrong

it's been three days of no rain.

no messages from the sky, just a lot of wind knocking against doors, windows, spilling flowers in vases.

where are you? i only shut my eyes for two seconds and found you gone. i looked everywhere but there were no clues to find you. i've worried and cried and wondered, and finally ended up buying more flowers, as if that were the only cure to anger.

i will make any promise that you would want me to keep, if you'll come back.

no, i've understood now. i'll write you a thousand lines of poetry. i know that will bring you back.
and i'm starting right now.  here goes the cold water...

i woke up when i felt your breath in my ear.
my eyes refused to open, fearing a broken dream.
i felt your hands roam around my body,
as if it were but the first time.
i turn around as you brush my hair
away from my neck, to welcome your lips.
i smile, and i swear it was not a plan.
the sun was peeking through the shadows,
excited to watch you kiss my hips,
my knees, my shoulders, my breasts.
he was unable to contain his joy
and rose to shine in all his glory
just as i feel you inside me.
my eyes remained closed, i promise
from the moment you breathed down on me,
till you lit the fire inside me.
and now, every time i close my eyes
i can feel you in the depths of me.