later

"i can't live,
with or without you..."

i had a strange dream sometime ago. strange because i remember it even after all this time, and because the more i think about it, the less it seems like a dream.

i saw you. many many moments after we had parted, i saw you suddenly in the middle of a crowded place, late one weekend afternoon. i saw you, and you didn't see me. i watched you. you were smiling; the same smile that lights up the world around you. you were holding her hand, and she wouldn't let go. the tears rolled down her face, her hands scrunched around your finger, trembling and scared, wanting nothing more than to be in your arms and rest her head on your comforting shoulder. you hold her, her tears slowly fading. you lead her to a chair, sit down, put your arms around her and hug her as she slowly closes her eyes. she melts into you.

you look up and see me. time stops in its tracks, and the world stops turning. she isn't crying any more, but i can't seem to stop myself. tears break through my resolve, tears that defy the iron-clad rules of love, despite the smile on my face. you wave at me and smile. i smiled back, i promise i did. you beckon me to you, invite me to walk those thirty steps to you. i stand where i am, i wave and shake my head. no. we looked at each other, smiles on our faces, tears in our eyes and our souls on fire, burning down the entire universe. i stood where i was.

after what seemed like eternity, when the little one looked up at you, you tear your eyes away from me to pat her back to sleep. the spell was broken. you looked up again, and i was gone.

in my dreams, i swear, i did the right thing.