Saturday, December 3, 2016

november

"jab tak teri aanch mein, boond boond mein jal na lun, 
jab tak teri saath mein, chaand tak mein chal na lun"

you know that moment when you feel everything is about to change. you hold on to the routine, you try and anchor things down, so that something can be saved when the gravity turns off. and yet, that feeling of free fall, that sense of complete, unfazed fear, which pushes you beyond rebellion.

that moment when you realise, in mid-air, that the bungee cord might not pull you back, and there's nothing you can really do if you fall flat to the ground, you give yourself up to the hysteria. and when that snap brings you back up into the air, you laugh because you knew that even the threat of complete abandonment cannot kill your spirit.

i've been standing in line, nervous, on edge and jittery. weary sometimes, almost giving up, but still standing, climbing one rung of the ladder at a time. not sure why, but never turning back. and now i'm on top of the ladder. the cords are tied carefully, the harnesses are in place. and the view is magnificent. the instructor, handsome and reassuring, is asking me if i'm ready. 

i'll never be ready. i'll never be good enough. i will never be by your side. but i will never let go. 

i'd rather smack my face into the dirt, smiling and high on adrenaline, than unhook the harness and climb back down the ladder. i would rather love you till the end of time, than not know what it feels like to jump into gravity with nothing but a prayer to break the fall. and when you love like i do, you will know to just melt into the air, and not ask for anything in return.