do you think it's ok

if i stop thinking of you

once in a while?

that was the sound of something breaking

you can break me into pieces
and put me in the trash.
you can fold me like a newspaper
and leave me in the train.
you can wipe me off the table
and dust me out the window.
you can grab me by the ankles
and fling me into the water.
you can drop me into the sink
and flush me down the drain.
you can throw me on the floor
and crush me under your foot.
you can erase me in your book
and replace me with another.


and yet,
you can never
forget me.

it's getting dark.
don't let go of my hand,
for we may never find our way back again.

"where you lead,

i will follow."

plunging into the sea is scarier than jumping into the darkness. i know because i did it today. and the cold is certainly not what hits you first. the first moment demands you to rethink what you just did. even though you can't take it back, even though you can't go back, your mind forces you to think of what you just did.

then it starts to reason. the very point of all those words and phrases and sentences put together to reason out anything in the world. those words that come as easily as lies. the sentences that seem to put themselves together. only to justify the stupidity of your actions.

but the darkness though is a friend. when everything is black, nothing makes sense. when there is no light at all, nothing seems worth the effort. because who would see? if you cried, the darkness will swallow your tears. if you laugh, it disappears. and if you just sit down and breathe, the darkness will forget about you too.

so when the time comes to jump, it doesn't really help if you close your eyes. because the darkness behind your eyes will fool you. it will make you believe you are alone. and when you suddenly open your eyes because you sense you are close to hitting the water's surface, your first thought is "what have i done?"

just for a second though. then you hit the water. and close your eyes again. the water moves apart to hug you, as if it were a welcoming friend. but you know there is no such thing. a friend that welcomes you is one who awaits your departure.

thats when you realize that its really cold. and that there is no going back. the water is freezing and your feet can't feel any solid ground. and you can't hear anything from above the surface. and after a while, the light starts to fade away. and you start sinking into that fabled darkness.

at last. you recognise this place. you have been here before. this is that same deep black that knows your tears and has heard your laughter and has your secrets hidden away somewhere.

at last you know. taking the plunge has never been so rewarding.

love

you must remember,
now that you have broken me,
it's up to you
to put me back again.

when you say things first
and think them through later,

when you kiss me first
and regret it later,

when you leave first
and wait for me to come later,

i can only stand by and watch.

dreaming about nightmares

what is it about sleeping alone that gives you nightmares? when you finally fall asleep, amidst the noises, the cracks, the knocks and the howling wind, after repeatedly telling yourself that there is no one in the corner staring at you, you realise that its your dreams you should be afraid of. not the darkness.
your dreams full of light and colour and movement that reveal what you do not want to know.
and when you wake, you see that it's all true. and that you do not have the courage to see it, except in your dreams.
and when there is no one beside you to share the sunlight coming through the window, you stare at the ceiling for a minute and you tell yourself, "it's only a dream." "don't worry, it's only a dream."

"i'm too hot for you"

don't get too close.
whatever burns can never be restored.

there are strange noises
coming from the depths of darkness.
there is a chill in the air.
i reach for your hand,
wait for your warm touch.

but it is dark.
and i cannot see
that it is your angry eyes that make the world go dark.
and your icy words that cause the chill.

i know i promised
to swim until the waters sink me.
but at that time,
i did not know
that the sun in the horizon
never really meets the ocean.

8pm

oh, but the joy of darkness
is that you can't see me either.

status : terminator

it's not a feeling. it's not jealousy. nor guilt. or even shame. it's not those things that you do to make yourself feel better. it's not like you are cheating on her. it's not like you are even thinking about it. it's not that you are looking for an excuse. it's not like you are unhappy.

everything is perfect. everything is rosy, as they say it should be. so you keep it rosy. if they said, love is blue, you would believe that, wouldn't you? you would bring her blue flowers instead of red ones.

but no. you bring her roses. because she likes them. and because you feel guilt and shame and jealousy and anger and all those other things and you cannot understand why. it's nothing more than conversation. it's nothing more. it's nothing at all infact. it's not a feeling or jealousy or guilt or even shame. it's nothing big. just a tingle.

just the blood rushing one beat faster for about one minute. and it's over. because you can't fly longer than that. you are human.

i am human. i feel things. i feel jealous. and guilt and shame. and the tingle. yes, i felt that. forgive me lord, for i know not what i feel.

"you are breaking up."

"hello? do you read me? hello? do you read me? over."

" affirmative. i read you. over"

" thank you for reading. over"

" :) over."

"it's been so long. why are you so distant?"

there is an empty space in the cupboard. on the left side. there are no more bottles of orange juice in the fridge. there is only one towel in the bathroom. and the right side of the bed is too hard. the door has started creaking again. and there is no lightbulb in the attic. the business pages of the newspaper are never opened.

my ring finger has a white line across it. its where my ring used to be.

there are signs of you everywhere. why didn't you take them with you when you left?

show me the way. and i will show you the will.

yes, this is me.

no, this is not the real me.

i am here. i look at the ground when i walk. i do not look people in the eye. i used to. i buy a coat in winter. and a swimsuit in summer. more importantly, i talk about winter and summer. i discuss the weather. i talk about rain. as if i really care about why summer isn't here yet. yes, i do really care.

i don't care. i don't care that everybody stares. i walk with my nose in the air. because i have a nice, small nose apparently. i don't look at the floor when i walk because they don't know who i am. and they never will.

they will all know who i am. i speak their tongue. they don't speak their mind. he does not speak his mind. he speaks his heart. his mind takes care of his troubles; its his heart that takes care of me.

i don't take care of myself. i am hurting. i cannot walk like i used to before. i never walked before.

i wear a coat in winter. a trench for the rain. a hat for the summer. yes, summer is here.

summer will be here soon. the sun takes his time, but he comes. and he doesn't stay long. he disappears when his work is done. he leaves you, alone, in your bed, as you pull up the covers around you, curl up your toes and try to fight away the cold. but the cold never goes away. he stays in the corner. just like the receipt of the dinner that he crumpled and threw into the corner. because he likes his pockets empty.

his pockets are empty. he keeps everything in his mind. he pulls them out, like magic, when he wants. not when he needs. he doesn't need anything.

he does not need things. he looks surprised when you give him something. he wants nothing at all. come. stay. leave. if you like. don't come. don't stay. don't leave. if you don't want. he is a loner. a lonely man.

he can never be lonely. everybody loves him. every one waits for him to come. they wait for him to come to work. he waits for him to go drink beers. i wait for him to come home. like May waits for summer. like the summer waits for the sun. like december waits for christmas. like i wait for him. patiently. endlessly.

i do not wait for anyone. i am the time and the tide. i am the shore. i wait for the waves. i rejoice when they wash over me. i let them go. i forget. the water washes over me. the summer rain. the waves of the ocean. the soap in the shower. water flowing endlessly into the ocean. new waters, old waters, dirty waters- all flowing into the ocean. like a friend who walks into your home without knocking. i am the friend.

i am a stranger. people look at me when i walk. they stare at my back when i climb the stairs. they stare when i speak my tongue. they do not know that i am speaking my mind. because i cannot but tell the truth.

i lie. i am a liar.i have never told the truth. i lie. in the darkness. i lie awake in the darkness. i hear him breathing. he is not a stranger. the darkness knows him. but it is suspicious of me. it does not let me sleep. i lie awake. i wake up and lie.

i wake up and sing. i sing about the past. the words of the past escape into the present. they are floating around. lyrics in the shower. words lying around in the metro. on the kitchen table. in the wind. strange words in a foreign land. strangers in a foreign land. i am a stranger.

i am home.

you blew me away

it's a rare thing.

a blue that you have never seen before. like a rare stone that was never supposed to be found. like an undiscovered stretch of sky. right where it bends down to touch the sea. and the sea, in anticipation, rises up, uncontrollable, to reach out for a piece of sky. a blue that is too rare to hold on to. blue like green and black and brown and white all together. blue, looking up at you; accusing, grateful, naked. blue that you tells you secrets of the oceans. blue that reveals all there is to see. blue that crashes up against the rocks, violent, in denial. blue that begs to go back into hiding again. blue that commands you to look away. blue that brings you to your knees. blue that breaks you deep inside.

how can the world know of love,
if it have not seen your eyes...

... your tear-studded blue eyes...

the difference between me and you,
is

i can be alone.