before you go

just tell me
how
to stop
thinking
of you.

i can fight everything else. 

where's the parrot?

here it is.

because the joke's on me.

18

"haath jiya pe mal mal"

imagine me writing this,
lipstick smeared all over my lips,
disheveled hair, teary eyed
mascara wiped aside by your hands,
buttons torn apart, bra down on one side.

Nothing,
not all the distance on the planet,
not the stars spewing venom,
or the sick curses of the universe,

not even all the hate in the world
can keep us apart.

phrase one

do you remember?

when we said hurtful things to each other and vowed never to see each other again? you remember the time you walked out on me? and the time i told you that your poor choices leave me with none but to never talk to you again? to be honest, both of us never really believed those things we said.

we knew we could say them because forgiveness was on the other side.

maybe what we didn't realise, is that vows, no matter how small or life-encompassing, can never be taken back. you vow to love, to protect and care for, in richness and in health, in sadness and anger, you vow never to leave the other behind.

and after all the promises we made and broke, the sad truth is, we were meant to be broken. we were meant to be together. we were meant to be sad together. so here's to all the poems our anger and sadness has ever inspired.

and now that we have nothing left, let us vow to savour the emptiness. 

do you?

" tujh me khoya rahoon mein, 
mujh me khoyi rahe tu.
khud ko dhoond lenge phir kabhi"


this one is for the lovers.
the ones who don't ask for much,
but have entire books of stories to give.
for those who don't need therapists,
but certainly do require therapy.
for those who look at the same photos
over and over again,
but smile with hesitation.
for the lovers who shield themselves from the sun,
and yet, laugh at the rain.
this one is for the lovers who know
that every book has a last page.
for those who believe in the signs
and for those who read horoscopes of another.
for those who pray for someone else,
and wish for a miracle, so that they can pass it on.
for those who thank the stars,
and for those who sleep alone, but with everyone.

your love, like mine,
is true and pure and beautiful,
and invisible.

november

"jab tak teri aanch mein, boond boond mein jal na lun, 
jab tak teri saath mein, chaand tak mein chal na lun"

you know that moment when you feel everything is about to change. you hold on to the routine, you try and anchor things down, so that something can be saved when the gravity turns off. and yet, that feeling of free fall, that sense of complete, unfazed fear, which pushes you beyond rebellion.

that moment when you realise, in mid-air, that the bungee cord might not pull you back, and there's nothing you can really do if you fall flat to the ground, you give yourself up to the hysteria. and when that snap brings you back up into the air, you laugh because you knew that even the threat of complete abandonment cannot kill your spirit.

i've been standing in line, nervous, on edge and jittery. weary sometimes, almost giving up, but still standing, climbing one rung of the ladder at a time. not sure why, but never turning back. and now i'm on top of the ladder. the cords are tied carefully, the harnesses are in place. and the view is magnificent. the instructor, handsome and reassuring, is asking me if i'm ready. 

i'll never be ready. i'll never be good enough. i will never be by your side. but i will never let go. 

i'd rather smack my face into the dirt, smiling and high on adrenaline, than unhook the harness and climb back down the ladder. i would rather love you till the end of time, than not know what it feels like to jump into gravity with nothing but a prayer to break the fall. and when you love like i do, you will know to just melt into the air, and not ask for anything in return. 

message

i knew i had to do it, no matter how much it hurt. i tried to drink you away, but there are too many poems hidden in wine glasses. i tried to smoke you out and realised your halo shines brighter in the smoky haze. i even tried to forget about you, but apparently, my mind has a heart of its own. 

so i decided, ever hopeful, to try something else. i was led into a pleasant-scented dimly lit room by a short, gentle lady who told me to take off my clothes and lie down. i obeyed. she smiled at me, and told me to relax my senses. skeptical as always, i closed my eyes and tried to ignore the picture of you that comes up every time. she started with my eyebrows. her hands were soft, but determined. she pressed into my forehead and slowly started running her hands through my hair. she pressed into my shoulders and i could feel my bones ache from the weight of your smile. she kneaded through every part of my body as if she knew that i was wishing you away. her hands were hurting me, but i didn't complain. i knew this pain was the answer. with every point of pressure, my muscles pulled back, complaining and yelling. but it had to be done. her knuckles bore into my knees, my toes, the fingers, slowly coaxing you out of me. the hot oil spread over me and through me, confusing and convincing. hands roamed over my body trying to erase any signs of you. i must have fallen asleep, or may have been spinning through layers of you, trying to get to that place in me, so far away, that holds you dear. 

when i woke up, steamed and showered and blood coursing through my veins with renewed interest, i walked out of the room a new person. a person who didn't even notice that your ring had slipped off my finger, forgotten in a place that i can never return to.

premonition

"i'm chasing him"
"why?"
"i told him that i loved him, and we kissed"
"did he kiss you back?"
"i don't know...we were interrupted"
"by who?"
"by her. and now he's chasing her"
"he's chasing her?"
"yes"
"and you're chasing him?"
"yes"
"and, who's chasing you? nobody. get it?"

"so now, you have a small but distinct window of opportunity to do the right thing"

"but i love him..."
"but you are not the one"

it's not me. it's the clock that's counting.

i'm just curious...

is it raining where you are?

because i don't miss you at all,
in case you were curious...

joint custody

when it cannot be saved, we salvage what is left. try and pick up whatever pieces we can. like a broken thing that somehow becomes more precious than the whole. it's so difficult, even the universe cries for you.

so now, after the tears have dried, we make a deal. first we both go find someone to marry when we're 40 and still alive. 

then we calm our hearts and put our cards on the table. we decide, like mature adults fooling ourselves, to share. she gets birthdays, family holidays and promises. and me, weekdays, supervised visits and poetry. 

and sometimes, on quiet mornings, we pretend we had a choice. 

family

and when it gets really bad,

too hard to handle,

too much to bear,

I play your song,

and hope that would get you here. 

asking for too much

I saw a beautiful woman today, she was like a poem that just walked by. 

Her eyes sparkled with dark kohl, her hair was brushed like silk, her tempting lips were smiling infectiously. Her gorgeously inviting body seemed to wave at everyone as she walked by. You couldn't take your eyes off her, even if you tried. Everything about her, from her shoulders to her nails, her hips to her toes seemed to radiate beauty of the unbelievable kind. 

Goodness, you should've seen her! She was a goddess, a mirage, a painting...

Oh, the beauty of a woman who has just had her heart broken...

This is why the good girls like the bad boys

Early this morning, I got an abusive email. A little later someone called me and breathed heavily and hung up. Once I got to work, someone sent me a few mean texts. I felt eyes on me all through lunch. When I packed up, I heard someone get up at the same time. I drove all the way home with someone following me. And I could swear I saw someone staring at me as I closed the door. 

All these people stalked me all day. 

And not one of them was you. 

never alone. always alone.

"chot kahin lagti hain jaakar, 
zakham kahin par hoti hain"

one bullet for your lover,
so he may never forget you.

the second for your mother,
so she can finally let you go.

the next one for your best friend
so she may carve your name in the sands of time.

the one bullet for me,
and the next one for you.

and the sixth bullet for the gun,
so it may also never be alone.

a test

it's a simple 

question of choice. 

one query, 

with many options,

but only one answer. 

no need to think, 

i can reply immediately. 

i don't have to call a friend,

or ask for a second opinion. 

i don't need hints or clues, 

or a description. 

i don't need it to be translated 

or explained. 

i don't need time to think about it.

no guesses, no maybe.

i don't have to repeat the question

to buy time. 

it's so easy,

as if i have always known the answer. 

i am sure, yes. 

what would i give up to have you? 

everything.