car ride confessions

a deliberate start.
like the beginning of an age-old story. 
where does this road lead? 
oh, just around the corner. 
where everything is familiar again,
and there are no wrong turns. 
sitting close to you, hands politely in my lap,
i wish for every light to be red. 
the clock on the dashboard
dutifully reminding us
of all the time we never had. 
weaving in between traffic, 
our stories follow along faithfully. 
words to fuel long-forgotten feelings. 
and seatbelts to hold you back. 
unplanned road trips
that start out as exciting declarations
and end in silence. 
the journey is the charm, they say. 
as if the destination didn't matter. 
i would go to the end of the world with you, i say. 
but this is the end of the road, you remind me. 
your new car truthfully counts the miles. 
another reminder
of how much in love we will never be. 

like poetry walking around

like starting a sentence with a preposition, 
he is a raging poem. just walking around. 
the rhymes, sometimes perfect, down to a T.
and sometimes, laid out like bodies in a car crash. 

he is that perfectly innocent question,
that starts with who, what or how. 
and suddenly becomes why and why not? 
that balanced sentence with verbs and praises,
that sometimes fades off into dots of silence. 
it's impossible not to take a pause,
a sharp breath in, when he looks at you. 
like adding that decisive full stop,
just so you can begin all over again. 

and with every breath comes words
that lift you up. or put you down if you choose. 
even his sneeze is like a subtle hint of sarcasm. 
his smile commands countless lines of poetry. 
if he looks away, it's like turning a page. 
a deliberate breaking of your focus, like your heart skipping a beat. 

when he holds your hand, 
it is like a song. 
and when his eyes flash in anger, 
it is a rock ballad, crashing into you, hooked forever. 
his dreams are like a chorus. 
the same words repeating truthfully after every four beats. 
the most memorable part of a verse, they say. 

words are all i have, he offers.
if only he knew.
he is a rollercoaster of a poem,
just walking around. 

searching for you

 i looked for you everywhere. 

in the folds of the blanket you left behind.,
i was told that is where love resides. 
i looked for you in the leaves,
i was told that is where secrets are held. 
i looked to the skies, and the stars just shrugged.
we can only hear you, they said, we cannot tell.
i asked them to show me a sign,
they smiled and pointed me to the moon. 
but the moon said i will have to wait my turn. 

i set out across deserts and oceans, 
looking for breadcrumbs of your love for me. 
the deserts had no time for my sorrow
and the oceans told me to choose
between the shores and the horizon. 

you have nothing to offer, said the universe. 
what price will you pay for love?
i held only grief in my arms, offered it up as sacrifice. 
the universe dismissed my wares. 
only love can buy love, she said, 
anything else is just not enough. 

it's time.

it was just like a movie, 

it was just like a song, 

my god, this reminds me

of when we were young.

the horizon is lighting up at last,

it's not light yet, but it seems like the sun

is determined. 

it's autumn time, the leaves are tired of holding on. 

they know too, when it's time to let go.

the wind is undecided, he wants to stay,

and yet he's tearing apart the world, trying to get away.

i imitate the leaves, green with envy

as he walks along, feet firmly on the ground,

knowing that's where the leaves fall.

enfin. 

i dreamt we took a walk, you and i,

it was very early morning, not light yet,

we had nothing but the cold to keep us company.

my hand in yours, holding on for dear life.

never have two lovers,

ever dreaded a sunrise so. 

i'm scared that i'm getting old, 

it makes me reckless. 

invisible

remember the first time i said i love you? 

and remember how you didn't say it back? 

as the world burns and the george flyods of the world rest in peace, 

i can't help but wonder if his final punishment was actually deliverance. 

the sadness of the world destroys me. 

sometimes,

i think about running away, but when i look up,

the end is never in sight. 

the revolution flames on, but when the sun rises again, 

i find myself looking fear in the eye. 

i long for happiness like rapture. 

i long for love,

for caresses and comfort,

and the simple truth of holding someone's hand

and have them hold mine back. 

i long for an assuring word,

that everything is actually going to be okay. 

i long for someone to take the baton from me,

i am tired, and i cannot run anymore. 

i wish for you to see me, as i am, in glory or shame,

i wish to be overwhelmed by your love,

rather than picking up pieces of it in the air 

left behind after you turn away. 

i long for you to know

the path to your glory is pebbled with pieces of me. 

despair overwhelms my words tonight,

for it is love that makes me do what i do. 

and for as long as i can remember, 

i was told that everything is fair

in love. and war. 

cosmic loneliness

there was once a long time ago,
when we used to kiss in the rain, and lose count of the stars.
when the bed felt warmer in the mornings
and the sun wasn't full of revenge.
when we weren't afraid to declare a lifetime of love,
even if it meant not in this one.
when we were closer to god than to our lies
and our mothers would call us for no reason at all.
there was once a long time ago
when we loved each other
and didn't have to lie about it.
when we were free to be scandalous
because we knew no other way.
there was a time when the ships that sailed the oceans
truly believed they were about to discover new land.
without knowing that their dreams
were too heavy a burden for the wind to carry.
there was even a day when we realised
that being attached and attacked are only letters apart.
there was a time when we waited for the bruises of our love-making
to turn bright purple an hour later.
they started to hurt lesser the next day, but still hurt so wonderfully,
and still stayed in your memory three days after,
but you had to press down on it real hard to remember.
there was a time when the rain wouldn't bother you,
but now makes me wonder why you don't pull me outside anymore.

time has travelled this journey with you and me,
it raised its hands when we laughed too much;
and ran at lightning speed as we hurled abuses at each other.
it sounded the alarm several times, and sometimes,
brought in the daylight gently because we wanted to kiss for a little longer.

there was once, a long time ago,
i loved you.

kiss me, don't miss me

you and me.
different
seasons.
but
ruled
by
the
same
planet.

paperweight

what would you attempt to do, 
if you knew you could not fail?

if

if we ever stop talking,
send me a song. 

horizon

"and after i stayed awake the entire night,

waiting for you to return,

at sunrise, 

i suddenly remembered you saying

you're not coming back"

so will i

"if the stars were made to worship, so will i.

if the wind goes where you send it, so will i.

if the oceans roar your greatness, so will i.

if the rocks cry out in silence, so will i.

it's been a long time coming;

maybe we knew 

that there is beauty in ashes.

and so

no moment of hesitation

when we set our souls on fire,

just to see if the magic will disappear

or spark on through eternity. 

it's been a long time coming;

i can see your eyes beginning to tire

of the journeys my soul wants to take.

i imagine your heart turning weary of my love. 

i can feel your heart starting to believe

in the faith of my love.

you holding my hand

is like the rain kissing the trees.

like a thousand reasons for a single decision, 

or a hundred prayers for a single wish.

your smile is the answer

to any question my heart could ever have. 

your love is the path that i follow, 

even in the dark. 

"if you left the grave behind,

then so will i" 

who gon pray for me?

how tremendous are these moments of rage,
between us, against us, for us
the rain refuses to die in battle,
and yet gets weaker every second,
that's the rage; the uncontrollable
urge to bite your teeth and scream against the sky.
pure torture.
that's what it feels like, this love for you.
it will never cut off an arm to save the body;
and here i am, ready to blow my brains out,
for you.
go find someone else to torment, rain!
why do you cling when there is nothing to catch your fall?
but let the truth be told,
even my bouncy curls were awaiting your return,
i didn't know it would be that evident.
who's gonna pray for me, darling,
but you?
cuz i'm gonna spill this blood for you, honey.

the fruit bowl

like a greek god, filled with lightning and rage,
you walked down the passage,
fruit bowl in hand,
trembling as you resist the rage to throw it against the wall,
while the love to feed it to me consumes you.

you looked so beautiful,
back straight, elbow at the right angle,
i fell in love with you again,
just like yesterday, and the day before that.
you are invincible.
it is impossible not to worship you.
lightning crashes,
when your fingers touch my skin,
when you are deep within
me.

walking on fire

"no matter how much i say i love you, 
i will always love you more than that."

when is that moment that you realise
that you have finally got something
you cannot lose.
when you know that this is it.
your bones ache, knowing that it's not the cold
that makes you shiver.
the air feels heavy, adding to the knots in my shoulders,
i am unable to breathe.
and nothing but your kiss will bring me back to life.
in the meantime, i am walking towards the light,
dragging all our boxes with me,
to abandon on a seashore without a horizon.

the world is a circle,
we are bound to meet on the other side,
where there are no doubts
about who you are,
and who i can be,
if you would let me love you.

night in shining armour

i saw a little girl a few days ago,
tears in her eyes, huddled close to a warm shoulder,
and somewhere in between taking a deep breath,
and trying to find a reason to continue crying,
she rubbed her tiny nose on her father's expensive t-shirt.
he held her close, for he knows
that's what t-shirts are for.
that's what shoulders are for.
because when the tears just refuse to stop
and your heart is wondering why your mind refuses to cry,
we look up and realise that shoulders ask no questions.

the entire universe in the length of your shoulders;
your collar bones straining against the weight of the world,
the scars from a fight, long forgotten, shining in the dark
the curve of your neck, like the oceans meeting the horizon.
the rise and fall of your chest, as you sleep for three minutes
while i count the stars so that i don't fall asleep too.

wake up, darling. it's time to go.
the sun will be up any minute now,
and the mountains bow to offer their respects
as you straighten your shoulders, take a deep breath
and kiss me goodbye.
and i pull the sheets closer, hug the pillow your neck rested on,
i rub my nose into the warmth.
the pillows don't complain either, and i imagine they are you
holding me close as i count the minutes
until i get to see you again.