the most honest poem I ever wrote

12:35

past midnight, my knees were weak

from your fervent, forbidden kiss. 

I drove fast, through childhood lanes.

the same lanes I took,

to go to 7am French classes, 

the result of which,

is a heart that refuses to break.

I drove furiously, 

spurned on by an evening of a meeting of souls, 

with chosen music and yearning looks,

I know,

you have an early morning,

and I have an endless night.

I swear I almost crashed the car, 

yes, on purpose,

hoping that it would wake me up 

from this horrible, unfair, impossible dream. 

a dream where I laugh with you,

where I kiss you without wondering when the next kiss is going to come. 

I can still taste you, 

through the tears that refused to flow,

even though i really tried,

as if the tears would comfort me.

I drove at 60 kilometres an hour, 

trying to run away from you, 

afraid that you would actually grant me 

that one minute more. 

my hand is still warm. 

my soul is still smiling. 

my lips are still happy. 

I swear, when you kiss me, 

you leave me wanting,

for 

nothing. 

Are we going to pretend to be friends now?

i'm tired of being clobbered.
i'm building my wall with diamonds this time, 

so it may never break again.

you saw me smile when you said goodbye. 

when i closed that door, 

i washed off my make-up 

and my tears as well. 

When the sun rises tomorrow, 

You will have no reason to love me,
because I will not be the same.

i know

i will get over the pain of not having you.
but i will never get over you. 

Romance for the atheists

You've watched me burn, now see me rise

All of this anger and hate, frustration in disguise.

This is not who we really are,

But I'm over you before you even get in your car. 

Stare into the sunset, sweetie, when you ride, 

I won't be by your side. 

You'll have your music and your wine, 

And underwear on the backseat that ain't mine. 

It's not surprising to see how this went down, 

We were too good to last,
it's true what they say about wearing an invisible crown; 

Keep your head high so it doesn't fall 

Baby, how did you manage to make me feel so small?

I was never a princess, I was the queen.

And now I feel like an empty chessboard, no moves left,
I've peeked through the smokescreen. 

I can't promise we'll be friends, 

I don't mean it and you don't make amends 

I will tell you that it was a beautiful thing, 

It was like 365 days of pure Spring. 

And now all we have left is broken doors
and a leftover wedding ring. 

Erase, go back in time, restart 

What a sad end to what could've been a work of art. 

Anyway, it's time for you to leave,

Turn around, forgive, forget and you better believe 

there will come a time when we will miss each other.

But you can leave now, because I need to call my mother. 

Bite that tattoo on your shoulder

Nothing,

and I mean absolutely nothing 

can reduce you 

to

heart-wrenching,

soul-crushing,

unable-to-drive,

breathless, desperate 

tears,

as knowing, 

that the one you love 

doesn't love you back. 

Wishing that

the tears will, 

somehow,

make it happen, 

you give it your best shot. 

Well. 

Tomorrow 

is another day. 

and 

it might be a beautiful one. 

hit the road, jack...and john, david, joseph and steve.

he's a handsome fellow, you should see him.
he has beautiful eyes and a happy face.
he sometimes comes when called,
though he is known to unreasonably sulk.
he waits anxiously for me to come home,
and sometimes, he isn't even there when i return.
he remains stubbornly by my side.
but then again, he accepts gifts from the neighbour nearby.
he comforts me when i'm sad, and holds my hand when i cry
and sometimes, he just disappears, without a sound.
i know i don't have to go looking for him,
because you cannot command his presence.

you can only wish for it.
and then dream that your wish comes true.
and before that, you must hope that you dream
that your wish comes true.

no, he's not the dog that you think he is.

though he is known to be faithful
to every single one of his goddesses.

2.Oh..

our messages are all encrypted.
code words, and password protected.
a shy smile sent into the internet,
innocent looking, but with other meaning.
it's all hidden, deleted but not forgotten
the kind of memory that even you start to doubt.
there is no trace of us anywhere,
no clues to track, and no body to find.
there is nothing but a lingering feeling
of something amazing,
i don't know what to call it,
maybe you could give it meaning?
burning desire, compressed into
an email attachment.
i bet you didn't know
that love could be so small.
the ache of longing and belonging
turned into a ridiculously inadequate
heart-shaped ping.

when they come looking for us,
we will be gone, and there will be nothing to find.

but.
hidden and deleted,
buried and invisible,
fake hugs and forced pretence.
and still,
the only thing that makes perfect sense.

write and wrong

it's been three days of no rain.

no messages from the sky, just a lot of wind knocking against doors, windows, spilling flowers in vases.

where are you? i only shut my eyes for two seconds and found you gone. i looked everywhere but there were no clues to find you. i've worried and cried and wondered, and finally ended up buying more flowers, as if that were the only cure to anger.

i will make any promise that you would want me to keep, if you'll come back.

no, i've understood now. i'll write you a thousand lines of poetry. i know that will bring you back.
and i'm starting right now.  here goes the cold water...

i woke up when i felt your breath in my ear.
my eyes refused to open, fearing a broken dream.
i felt your hands roam around my body,
as if it were but the first time.
i turn around as you brush my hair
away from my neck, to welcome your lips.
i smile, and i swear it was not a plan.
the sun was peeking through the shadows,
excited to watch you kiss my hips,
my knees, my shoulders, my breasts.
he was unable to contain his joy
and rose to shine in all his glory
just as i feel you inside me.
my eyes remained closed, i promise
from the moment you breathed down on me,
till you lit the fire inside me.
and now, every time i close my eyes
i can feel you in the depths of me. 

We

loving you

is

like a blind man

feeling the words

do not touch. 

bad ideas

there is a girl who is following me around everywhere. she looks a lot like me, but she isn't me. she wasn't always there, but it's been a while since i've noticed her. she seems to be like an alternate version of me, veering either towards an evil twin or a better version of me.

i have been slowly trying to shake her off, but the more i notice her, the more invisible she becomes. she isn't me, but seems to enjoy doing things that i like to do, and saying things that i would say. i've noticed she also sometimes says things that i don't say. like, the other day, she called someone a motherfucker. that's not a very nice thing to say, is it? she also blatantly told someone that she wants to kiss him. now who says something like that?

somedays, she starts crying uncontrollably. sobbing through entire playlists and i cannot understand why. one night, i even saw her with a razor blade in her hand, just staring at it like a psychopath. the very next day, i remember observing her with a child, laughing and playing and baby-talking to the kid, as if there is just no connection between one day and the next.

she seems to like drinking and smoking and driving around late at night. she seems to think it's ok to be fat and uncaring because apparently, there isn't a single reason to be otherwise. she seems to live in a fantasy world, forging needle-thin, superficial relationships with everyone around her, that wouldn't withstand even a strong breeze, forget storms. she seems to believe it's okay to lie. and thinks it is okay to not answer messages like "where are you?", and "have you reached home". i'm beginning to think she mocks me and imitates me sometimes.

she can't seem to make a decision, and never really follows through with the ones she makes. she cannot seem to choose between now and then and later, and lives in a void of uncountable days of heartbreak. yes, i know what heartbreak looks like on a person.

somedays, she cannot even recall what she did the day before. one day, i saw her wearing my jewellery. i'm sure it was mine because i wouldn't dare wear the ring he gave me just before he broke my heart.

i cannot talk to her, so i never got a chance to ask. she seems to also have taken certain liberties with the way she works and talks and walks, as if she owns the world and anyone who thinks otherwise can basically go take a fuck.

late evenings, i've seen her vulnerable and sad. it looks like she has no one to have a cup of tea with. of course, i cannot offer to spend time with her because she scares me. she seems so much like me but everything about her is completely opposed to who i am. she looks and talks and eats and laughs like me; she even dances like me. but...she can't really be me....right?

renewal of nows

i still remember the night when i had the revelation. i was suddenly aware that it hurt to be apart from you. i had started to look forward to our meetings more than ever, i had started dressing for you, making sure i kept a marie-kondo'ed house, washed my hair more often, and had started reading all sorts of things to make sure we had something to laugh about. and, oh your laughter! i realised how it warmed me up inside to see you laugh. i had started thinking about you all the time, and was making up fantasies about our life together. i used to smile at the marks you left on my body, priding myself on the passionate moments we spent together, that had me begging for more. i remember getting your name inked into my soul, so i could always carry you around. i had learnt the recipes to your favourite dishes so that i may make them for you some day. i had created a playlist of all your favourite songs, and i even learnt the words to some of them. i had started to think fondly of rainy days and sunset and drinks on the beach. i had even started writing poems about you...

i was not in love. i was in denial. 

anyway, that was then. and this is now. 

clarity

one dark blue night, all of a sudden, he asked her, "why do you love me?"

he couldn't think of any reason why she would love someone like him. she looked up at him, baffled. she couldn't think of any way to explain why he made her heart tingle. she mulled over it, trying to match words to feeling. but every phrase caught in her throat because it seemed so petty and just-not-enough. "i don't know...i can't really explain it", she replied after a much too long pause. both of them went to sleep a little disappointed, one for wanting too much and the other for not wanting enough.

the next day, he woke up to find her gone. he looked for her everywhere, but she was determined not to be found. sad and ashamed, she had left everything behind to go look for a way to explain her infinite love for him. sad and ashamed, he believed she had left because he was not enough. but because love stories never end badly, he took it as a sign to turn his life around, and be the best person she could ever love, should she ever return.

many moons later, he came home to find her back at the desk in front of the window. as she smiled at him, he asked her again, "do you now know why you love me?" this time, she knew better and stayed silent. she stood up and kissed him deeply, as if it were the first time. there were strangers once more, with their whole lives ahead of them, waiting to be discovered.

shakespeare once wrote about love not being true love if it alters when met with change. he couldn't have been more wrong. a man who doesn't change for a woman can never know how she transforms her soul to fit into his palm. and a woman who isn't changed after meeting a man will never understand the meaning of love.

circle of life

"did i say that i need you?
did i say that i want you?
oh, if i did, then i'm a fool, you see,
no one knows this more than me."

it's been a long while since i saw you. oh no, do not worry, i'm not keeping count of the days and the hours and the minutes. i'm not psychotic.

i was merely reminded of you this morning, when i saw the second toothbrush in the cup. and when i sprayed my perfume on my neck, or when i grabbed my umbrella just before rushing out the door. of course, that song which played on the radio in the car brought me thoughts of you as well, but that's expected i guess. and when i arrived at work, it started to rain, which could've just been a coincidence. i smoked a cigarette after lunch and i unconsciously passed it to you, but there was no one there. that hardly means i'm obsessive, does it?

the day went by like the clouds, slow and beautiful. and when the darkness poured in, i was offered a drink. now, i agree i could have had any drink on the menu, but then, the waiter was looking down at me impatiently and everyone else had made up their minds, and i blurted out the name of your favourite drink, as if seeking out the most intuitive comfort in a distressing situation. but that was intuition's fault, not mine. i gathered my wits in time for the second drink. but then, you know how they say you shouldn't mix your drinks...? And so, unfortunately, i ended up being quite drunk on you.

i returned home, surprisingly, at 3am. as i washed the day's effort off my face, i couldn't help but smile when i saw the toothbrush standing there, silently laughing at me. 

my favourite song

you can be the rain
and the thunder
and the storm
and the lightning,

but i am the darkness.
are you scared now?

you may be the sun
and the stars and the moon

but i am nirvana.
are you scared now?

you may be the tears
and the despair and the anger

but i am the hope.
are you scared now?

you may be the pain
and the longing and the belonging

but i am love.
are you scared now?

who do i think i am?

"till tomorrow, 
or till the end of time"

one night, the rain and i were at battle. he bore down at me, tired of my loneliness. i cried back, blaming him for making me believe in beauty. he thundered down, louder, drowning out my irrationality, unable to believe my stupidity.

"i'm here now, aren't i?", he shouted. 

suddenly, he left. i was furious, yelled at him to return, but i was answered only with silence. i couldn't stop my tears from falling, as if compensating for his absence. 

"where is he?!", i asked the trees and the stars and the skies. they look down at me sadly, commanded to silence by the rain god himself. 

i waited. long days and longer nights.
it was a new battle now; i wait and he watched me in silence. 

one night, as dark as the night we parted, he returned. i had no words to welcome him, and he asked no questions. he is the god of rain, after all; and who did i think i was?

"why?", i asked him, merely mortal.

he said nothing, knowing me to be the weak one. 

"why did you leave me?" 

"why did you believe i was here to stay?", he replied as he left.